Ask the Questions that Have No Answers: the Mad Farmer Liberation Front

sent to me from a dear friend who clearly knows how to speak to my soul -

to keep in all of our minds while we quest:

Manifesto: the Mad Farmer Liberation Front (Wendell Berry)

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion--put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn’t go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.

Practice resurrection.

flow of gratitude

(me on Mt. Washington, Sept. 2010)

"when you can't run, you crawl,

and when you can't crawl,

you find someone to carry you"

-cptn malcolm reynolds,

from firefly

coming home for the holidays always feels like being dunked into a pool of gratitude - it doesn't even feel intentional, I just feel flooded with thanks. with each year, I feel like there are more places I call home and more people I feel grateful to come home to. As I get farther on this path to becoming a doctor, and especially as I prepare to embark on a year living out of a suitcase calling different states, hospitals, and rented condos home, I realize just how important it is that we carry each other.

as the new year approaches, I find myself reflecting on the past year and creating intentions for the next - hoping I'll live just a little more closely to my values. Here are some lessons from 2010 and intentions for 2011 inspired by the many wise people in my life.

lessons and intentions:

*

get outside

*

strive for more impact on people, less on the earth

*

be a good loser, winner, and beginner

*

connect to a greater community

*

and a smaller community

*

call on your support systems when you need them

*

remember your inner child

*

try something that seems too big, too hard

*

remind yourself that you don't have to believe everything you think

*

reacquaint yourself with your internal rhythm

*

there are many ways to stay in touch with people; try them all

*

everyone wants to feel competent, valued, and loved

*

when in doubt, choose happiness

what are your intentions for 2011? what did you do well in 2010?

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"A process cannot be understood by stopping it. Understanding must move with the flow of the process, must join it and flow with it."

-Dune, by Frank Herbert

shoutout to the BLT

so my ridiculously awesome sister has started an incredible blog about strong women living a healthy, active lifestyle. She has delicious recipe ideas, easy and effective workout moves to mix up your routine, tips on what sweet workout clothes you need to get moving, and profound reflections on how to keep all that moving going on.

she seriously rocks it over there, so check it out for yourself and definitely write comments about your favorite workout clothes/moves/recipes - she LOVES it.

Check it: The BLT

how old are you, really?

yesterday we visited "nursing homes" as part of our current study of medicine for the geriatric population. I went to possibly the nicest version of a retirement/nursing home that has ever been created. In order to move into this community, you have to basically prove (via medical screen, interviews, history) that you'll be able to live completely independently for at least 2 years. Most people move into to condos that surround a central restaurant/pool/gym/community center area. The residents who live here are involved in the greater community, some work part time, many volunteer, and lots are involved in the running of the community itself.

But, if at any point the residents need more assistance, they transition smoothly into (what I think should be called level 2, but they call:) Residential Living, where you move in to your own room in a big lodge-like building. But the rooms are still individual, you can still access any part of the entire campus, but there's a closer restaurant/gym/pool in case you don't want to leave the building daily. The hallways are full of open doors with a sign with the person's name, umbrella stands, small tables and chairs, photographs, bookshelves - altogether, much more cosy than any hotel or college dorm.

If you have a stroke or your health deteriorates in any other way where you need even more assistance (incontinence, decreased unassisted mobility, trouble eating independently) - you can move to (what I'm calling level 3, but they call:) Skilled Nursing Floor. Which still looks like hallways of rooms in a lodge that are more individualized, except that the beds are all the same and adjustable, so that the nursing staff can easily move people. This is usually the final move for most people and the people there looked very settled, but there is a fourth level (3.5?) called Long-Term Care, which is specifically designed for people with dementia. This area has been designed to be easily navigable (e.g. circular hallways, so no one can get stuck in a corner).

I went to one of the condos in the Independent Living section that looked a lot like the condos my grandparents live in (near the tennis courts and pool, where they play almost every day) - and how I imagine many sections of Florida might look: nice, clean condos all filled with people over the age of 65 hanging out and enjoying each others company. Except all the people know that they're going to live there until they die.

or maybe that's not so different at all.

I spoke with a wonderful man named Henry who was 75 and had returned from a tennis match with a friend a few hours earlier and was headed to a board meeting for an organization downtown later that evening. He had moved into the community three years ago because he slipped and fell off a roof in his more remote home and realized he didn't feel completely competent living so far from help. He also saw his father move through (the levels of) the community and how his autonomy was preserved as much as humanly possible. He was certainly not someone I would have suspected would live in a "nursing home" community, but he was so happy with his choice.

We talked a lot about the concept of internal perceived age versus external physical age. Henry told me that his assignment for me for the next few weeks was that whenever I was sitting around a table with a group of people to ask them all about their internal age. He said, "you'll be surprised - some people your age will say they feel older, and people my age will often say much younger than you think". I asked him about his internal age - and he said (without hesitation) - 36. When I asked him about why and also, "why not younger, like, 25" (which we're learning is the peak fertility, peak physical shape, etc). He said, "oh no. 25 is crazy".

yup. wiiiiise man.

what's your internal age?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From my tea this morning, yet again:

"to me, old age is always 15 years older than I am"

-Bernard M. Baruch

warming the belly

Q: What's your favorite thing to cook/eat during the winter?

A: soup!!

Because all I've been craving in this cold weather is SOUP of all kinds, I looked up the BASICS of how to make soup and came upon this great article by Mark Bittman about how to make many types of delicious soups with relative simplicity. I love his style and plan on referring back to this a lot in upcoming months/years.

1. CREAMY

Creamy Spinach Soup

Put 1 chopped onion, 2 peeled garlic cloves, 3 cups water and salt and pepper in a pot over high heat. Boil, cover, lower the heat and simmer until the onion is tender, about 10 minutes. Add 10 ounces chopped spinach and 1/2 cup parsley leaves; cook until the spinach is tender, 2 to 3 minutes. Add 1 cup Greek-style yogurt and purée. Garnish: A spoonful of Greek-style yogurt and chopped parsley.

Squash-and-Ginger Soup

Substitute 1 tablespoon minced ginger for the garlic and 4 cups chopped butternut squash for the spinach (it will take longer to soften). Skip the parsley and substitute half-and-half or cream for the yogurt. Garnish: A spoonful of cream.

Curried Cauliflower Soup

Substitute 1 tablespoon minced ginger for the garlic, 2 cups cauliflower florets for the spinach (they will take longer to soften), 1 tablespoon curry powder for the parsley and coconut milk for the yogurt. Garnish: Chopped cilantro.

2. BROTHY

Vegetable Broth With Toast

Put 2 chopped carrots, 2 chopped onions, 1 small chopped potato, 2 chopped celery ribs, 2 garlic cloves, 10 sliced mushrooms, 1 cup chopped tomatoes (canned are fine), 10 parsley sprigs, 1/2 ounce dried porcini, 8 cups water and salt and pepper in a pot over high heat. Boil, lower heat and simmer until the vegetables are soft, 30 minutes or longer. Strain and serve over toasted good bread. Garnish: Chopped celery leaves.

Egg Drop Soup

Beat 4 eggs. Boil the strained stock, lower the heat so it simmers and add the eggs in a steady stream, stirring constantly until they’re cooked, 1 to 2 minutes. Stir in 1/4 cup chopped scallions, 1 tablespoon soy sauce and 1 tablespoon sesame oil. Skip the bread. Garnish: Chopped scallions.

Rice-and-Pea Soup

Boil the strained stock, lower the heat so it simmers and add 3/4 cup white rice. Cook until tender, then add 2 cups fresh or frozen peas; cook for a minute or two. Skip the bread. Garnish: Grated Parmesan.

3. HEARTY

Bean Soup

Put 1 1/2 cup dried beans, 1 chopped onion, 2 chopped carrots, 2 chopped celery ribs, 2 bay leaves, 1 tablespoon fresh thyme leaves and 6 cups water in a pot over high heat. Boil, lower the heat, cover and simmer until the beans are soft, at least 1 hour, adding more water if necessary. Season with salt and pepper. Garnish: A drizzle of olive oil.

Chickpea-and-Pasta Soup

Substitute chickpeas for the beans and rosemary for the thyme and add 1 cup chopped tomatoes (canned are fine). When the chickpeas are almost tender, add 1/2 cup small pasta. Cook until the pasta and chickpeas are tender, 10 to 15 minutes. Garnish: A few chopped rosemary leaves.

Spicy Black-Bean Soup

Use black beans and substitute fresh oregano for the thyme. When the beans are done, add 1 tablespoon chili powder, 1 dried or canned chipotle and the juice of a lime. Garnish: Cilantro and sour cream.

4. HEARTY

Minestrone

Sauté 1 chopped onion, 1 chopped carrot, 1 chopped celery rib and 1 teaspoon minced garlic in 3 tablespoons olive oil for 5 minutes. Add 2 cups cubed potatoes and salt and pepper; cook for 2 minutes. Add 1 cup chopped tomatoes (canned are fine) and 5 cups water. Boil, lower the heat and simmer for 15 minutes. Add 1 cup chopped green beans; simmer for 20 minutes. Garnish: Chopped parsley and grated Parmesan.

Mushroom Soup

Substitute 1 1/2 pounds sliced mushrooms (preferably an assortment) for the potatoes; sauté until they brown, 10 to 12 minutes. Substitute ½ cup white wine for the tomatoes, skip the green beans and add a fresh thyme sprig with the water. Garnish: A few thyme leaves.

Tomato-and-Garlic Soup

Use 2 tablespoons minced garlic and substitute 2 tablespoons tomato paste for the celery. Skip the potatoes and green beans; use 3 cups tomatoes and 3 cups water. Cook the tomatoes for 10 to 15 minutes. Garnish: Lots of chopped or torn basil.

to listen

"the first duty of love is to listen"

- Paul Tillich

this was the quote attached to the string of my teabag when I woke up this morning to snow lightly falling down over the farm across the street and a whole long list of lectures I haven't gone through yet. and it made me think.

there seems to be a bit of a dip in moods lately all around me - and I'm not sure if it's that we have less daylight or that the cold and holiday season make everyone feel a greater need for comfort and connection, or if it's that we're approaching real studying for the Boards and then starting in all separate directions - literally thousands of miles apart - to start our core clerkships which will be the first time we're really taking care of patients - but I find myself walking around with a knot in my throat a lot of the time lately and I can't quite pinpoint why.

and when I talk to friends about how they're feeling - about life, about school, about relationships - everyone seems to feel one step off, one moment removed, just a bit too often. I keep thinking and asking about the things that seem to help. Is it working out? eating well? sleeping enough?

I think it comes back to just listening - either feeling like you're being listened to, or that you're being a good listener. and, according to my morning tea, the listening is actually loving, which makes it feel even more critical.

I think the knot might have just loosened a little bit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sleeping in the Forest

I thought the earth remembered me,

she took me back so tenderly,

arranging her dark skirts, her pockets

full of lichens and seeds.

I slept as never before, a stone on the river bed,

nothing between me and the white fire of the stars

but my thoughts, and they floated light as moths

among the branches of the perfect trees.

All night I heard the small kingdoms

breathing around me, the insects,

and the birds who do their work in the darkness.

All night I rose and fell, as if in water,

grappling with a luminous doom.

By morning

I had vanished at least a dozen times

into something better.

delayed childbearing: a serious medical risk??!?

this was the "welcome back from restful break with your family" slide I got this morning:

look at that steep curve drop off right around age 25... and just keep dropping. this week, so far, has been focused on infertility and breast cancer - and many a professor (both male and female) has blamed "delayed child-bearing" as a cause of both. This entire week, in fact, has been one big lecture on all the things you're at increased risk for if you don't have children as soon as possible.

for the record, delayed child-bearing is what basically everyone in medical school will have to do, because WE'RE IN MEDICAL SCHOOL right now, and for most of us, it seems unclear how pregnancy would fit in right now. I don't feel like our professors seem particularly sensitive to this.

gahhhhh....