a different view

in case you are also in need of a quick smile, 

some new perspective:

this may be a commercial, but since you can't really tell what it's for, who cares?

better together

Love is the answer,

at least for most of the questions in my heart

Like why are we here? And where do we go?

And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy and 

sometimes life can be deceiving

I'll tell you one thing

It's always better when we're together.

(-Jack Johnson, from Better Together)

Happy Birthday, Manfriend!

a web of connection

We covenant to affirm and promote

the inherent worth and dignity of every person,

justice, equity, and compassion in human relations,

acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations,

a free and responsible search for truth and meaning,

the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process 

within our congregations and society at large,

the goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all,

respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

- from the Unitarian Universalist Covenant

prints available from Lisa Congdon's incredible shop on etsy

Pelosi Rocks

Nancy Pelosi articulately fields a question from NBC reporter Luke Russet about whether or not she felt like not stepping down to make room for "young leadership" was bad for her party. Congresswoman Pelosi correctly points out 2 things: that men in Congress are never asked to step aside based on their age and that she came to Congress later than she might have if she were a man because she only ran for Congress after her fifth child was about to go off to college.

As one of the most successful Speakers of the House - and the person we really need to thank for promise and hope given by the Affordable Care Act, among many other things - it seems perfectly reasonable for her to continue her incredible career.

~~~~~~

"Let's for the moment honor it as a legitimate question, 

although it's quite offensive but you don't realize it, I guess"

- Nancy Pelosi (D-CA, Minority Leader)

Poetry Tuesday: One Boy Told Me

A poet I only recently discovered but am completely enthralled with.  Naomi Shihab Rye strings words together in a way that makes me think in different direction every time I re-read them.  Enjoy!


One Boy Told Me
by Naomi Shihab Rye

Music lives inside my legs.
It's coming out when I talk.

I'm going to send my valentines
to people you don't even know.

Oatmeal cookies make my throat gallop.

Grown-ups keep their feet on the ground 
when they swing. I hate that.

Look at those 2 o's with a smash in the middle --
that spells goodbye.

Don't ever say "purpose" again,
let's throw that word out.

Don't talk big to me.
I'm carrying my box of faces.
If I want to change faces I will.

Yesterday faced
but tomorrow's in BOLDFACE.

When I grow up my old names
will live in the house
where we live now.
I'll come and visit them.

Only one of my eyes is tired.
The other eye and my body aren't.

Is it true all metal was liquid first?
Does that mean if we bought our car earlier
they could have served it
in a cup?

There's a stopper in my arm
that's no going to let me grow any bigger.
I'll be like this always, small.

And I will be deep water too.
Wait. Just Wait.  How deep is the river?
Would it cover the tallest man with his hands in the air?

Your head is a souvenir.

When you were in New York I could see you
in real life walking in my mind.

I'll invite a bee to live in your shoe.
What if you found your shoe
full of honey?

What if the clock said 6:92
instead of 6:30? Would you be scared?

My tongue is the car wash
for the spoon.

Can noodles swim?

My toes are dictionaries.
Do you need any words?

From now on I'll only drink white milk
on January 26.

What does minus mean?
I never want to minus you.

Just think: no one has ever seen
the inside of this peanut before!

It's hard being a person.

I do and don't love you - 
isn't that happiness?

be it what it will

This is the first big deep breath in my travels in over two and a half months (including 7 cross-country flights, 3 car rides of 6+ hours, not sleeping in the same bed for more than 2 nights in a row) - and it feels so good to just. breathe.

which is not to say my travels didn't have some huge benefits.  besides being so grateful for interviews, they let me visit new places and see friends and family that I wouldn't otherwise get to travel to see this often (of course that just makes me think: why am I not doing this more?)

I've also become exceedingly good at knowing just what I need - no more, no less - which makes me reflect now on my house full of stuff and wonder why I have it all.  turns out most of what I need on a daily basis can fit in my little backpack.

and probably the best part of these travels is because I've confronted so many situations that are just barely out of my control (a plane delayed, a store not open, a friend having to work late so not being able to pick me up), I've come to trust my own ability to take things as they come so much more.

instead of trying to over-plan for every possible scenario, I try to just set myself up with the resources and information I need, and trust that I'll be able to figure it out.
and not carry too much - that's definitely a big help in being more flexible while traveling.
that could probably be both literally and figuratively, actually.

what I've learned in these travels:
don't carry so much.

~~~~~~~
"I know not all that may be coming,
but be it what it will
I will go to it laughing"
-herman mellville, in moby dick

source

gender income equality by state

In a recent post on Slate, there is an interactive map of all the states, then also by county, how much income differs by gender.  It's astounding (and terrifying).  In the BEST states, women still only earn 75 cents to the dollar of men.

According to their data, the best cities for pay equality include DC and Dallas, followed by San Francisco, LA, Austin, Santa Fe, NYC, and Boston.  In most other major cities it's closer to 70 cents for every dollar men earn.



And for a look at data showing that more equal societies are healthier, a Tedtalk by Richard Wilkinson:

the turnaway study

*according to this new study, this woman is very wrong.

One of the hypotheticals that is always touched on in reproductive rights discussions is what would happen if we simply did not allow women to have abortions?  Well, the Turnaway study from San Francisco-based research group Advancing New Standards in Reproductive Health (ANSIRH), investigated that question and just presented their first results.  

There's a great overview on the Slate XX blog to check out.

In brief, the group followed over 1000 women across the country who went to have abortions.  Most were able to obtain abortions (97% had no regret), but almost 200 women were not able to have abortions, usually because they were farther along in their pregnancies than the places they went to have abortions would perform the procedure.  The researchers interviewed these women extensively and compared them with the group who was able to obtain abortions.  

A few (of the many) things worth mentioning:

1. women not able to have abortions were more likely to be financially struggling a year later.

Compared to the group who did have abortions, a year later (the study is ongoing) those who were "turned away" were more likely to be on government assistance, living beneath the poverty line, and less likely to be working full time.  

2. women not able to have abortions were more stressed.

They also reported more stress and were equally as likely to be depressed as the other group of women (as in, no happier).  

3. women not able to have abortions had more medical problems.

Including pregnancy complications and postpartum complications (abortion is almost always safer than pregnancy, as is birth control).  

4. women not able to have abortions were more likely to be victims of domestic abuse.

The researchers attribute this not to the "turn-aways" being more likely to enter into abusive relationships, but being less able to get out of them while pregnant/with a new baby.  But this didn't mean that men were more likely to stick around - they found that "men were no more likely to live with a turnaway who'd borne their children than they were to live with a woman who had an abortion".

This study is excellent data to add to the discussion of women's reproductive rights - showing that the consequences of our reproductive choices are far-reaching and longer lasting than just 9 months.

~~~~

"As women's access to abortion care...becomes increasingly restricted, it is extremely important to document the effect of unintended pregnancy on women and their families.  The Turnaway Study is an effort to capture women's stories, understand the role of abortion in women's lives, and contribute to the ongoing public policy debate on the mental health and life course consequences of abortion and unwanted childbearing for women."

- taken from the Turnaway study website, under Why this study is Important

(*I copied this image from the Slate XX blog review of the turnaway study, because it was just so good)

Autumn Reading List

Without further ado,

My Autumn Reading List:

1. Bossypants by Tina Fey - a surprisingly feminist novel that is literally laugh out loud funny (I read it sitting in the middle seat on a trans-continental flight and kept elbowing the guys next to me because I was laughing so hard I couldn't hold the book"  Best quote?  "Lesson learned? When people say, 'You really, really must' do something, it means you don't really have to.  No one ever says, 'You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.' When it's true, it doesn't need to be said" 

2. The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obreht - a first time novel (which I always think are worth reading, because it means that person really just had a book inside them that they had to get down) that weaves together stories of the breakdown of the Ottomon Empire, a medical student traveling across Eastern Europe, a relationship of a granddaughter and grandfather, a young girl who becomes a tigers wife and the magic of a deathless man.  Best quote? "Come on, is your heart a sponge or a fist?"

3. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell - different than the tipping point because it's all about dissecting judgement. the same in that it's incredibly well-written, very easy to read, and will provide you with cocktail party (or interview) small talk for days to come.  Best quote?  "...'when we talk about analytic versus intuitive decision making, neither is good or bad. What is bad is if you use either of them in an inappropriate circumstance.'"

4. Fire in the Earth, Poetry by David Whyte - the calmness of autumn and the anticipation of the stillness of winter always have me craving more poetry in my life; as I have more space and time in darkness, I find that my senses hone in more on words - so I want them to be beautiful and profound. David Whyte's poetry could not be a more perfect answer.  A birthday gift, and the start of a collection, I hope.  There are too many great quotes, but one of my favorites right now is, "the flight of amazing freedoms, held in tension, by the menace, of impending chaos"

5. Cutting for Stone by Abraham Verghese - this is actually a re-read, which I love doing, but it's one of my absolute favorite novels.  Verghese tells a compelling story that brings up all the great themes in medicine: choices, fear, love, loss, and more.  Best quote? "You live it forward but understand it backward"

6. The Bookseller of Kabul by Asne Seierstad - a novel that came out several years ago, but is an intimate look at an Afghan household through the eyes of Sultan Khan, a bookseller of prohibited books.  I have only just started this one, so I'll let you know how it goes, but it's one I've been meaning to read forever.

**What are you curling up fireside to read as the cold weather approaches?**

I love suggestions of new great books!

Poetry Tuesday: Live the questions

Today's poem is inspired by a dear friend who has made this her resolution.  It fits so well with the aims of this blog, and of my own life that it seems crazy that I haven't posted it until now.  This friend has been struggling with her own quest to make a difference in this world.  This poem is by Rainer Maria Rilke in Letters to a Young Poet.  What question are you living right now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"... I would like to beg you, 

dear Sir, as well as I can, 

to have patience 

with everything unresolved in your heart and 

to try to love the questions themselves

as if they were locked rooms 

or books written in a foreign language

Don't search for the answers, which

could not be given to you now

because you would not be able to

live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday

far in the future,

you will gradually,

without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

A New Hope

Some articles that have caught my eye in the news after the election:

*Apparently being against reproductive choices for rape victims makes you un-electable.  Thank goodness.

*A comment from Friedman on why Obama won - and why the Republicans in Congress need a change of heart (and maybe they are, thank you Boehner?)  Best quote:  "Many in the next generation of America know that climate change is real and they want to see something done to mitigate it.  Many in the next generation of America will be of Hispanic origin and insist on humane immigration reform that gives a practical legal pathway to citizenship for illegal immigrants...Many in the next generation of America see gays and lesbians in their families, workplaces, and Army barracks and they don't want to deny them marriage rights held by others.  The GOP is at war with too many in the next generation on all these issues."  I would add to this reproductive choice - which was a clearly decisive factor in voting for many women (and men!)

*20 quotes on immigration from politicians including Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), "Obama voters chose dependency over Liberty.  Now establishment R's want citizenship for illegals.  You can't beat Santa Claus with amnesty"  Wow.  I'm not even sure what he means by that, but it does not sound either nice or productive.

*A surprise victory in Minnesota for gay marriage rights - where the campaign manager of Minnnesotans United for All Families (around 1:45am) is thanking everyone and telling them to go get some sleep because the results likely won't be in for a while....and then they get a result.  It was the first time in US history than anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment had been defeated.

waiting for a sign

source

I have been interviewing and planning interviewing for residency for a little while now, with the end of the planning - and deliberations of which program is the best fit - still too far off to be in sight.

But I'm reading a series of books for my "Medical Leadership" elective, including Malcolm Gladwell's Blink, where I found a lot of evidence that perhaps I should not worry so much about collecting all the data, and just pay attention to how I feel at these different programs.  This sentiment is summed up by Gladwell at the end of the book with this incredibly helpful quote:

"When making a decision of minor importance, I always have found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons.  In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves.  In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature"
-Sigmund Freud

Poetry Tuesday: a poem of three truths

This week a poem by one of the poets I admire most, Mary Oliver.
Her poetry draws on observations of nature that force us to reflect on observations of ourselves.
This one has been running through my mind a lot lately.

Do you have three truths?  What would they be?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In Blackwater Woods

Look, the trees

are turning

their own bodies

into pillars

of light,

are giving off the rich

fragrance of cinnamon

and fulfillment,

the long tapers

of cattails

are bursting and floating away over

the blue shoulders

of the ponds,

and every pond,

no matter what its

name is, is

nameless now.

Every year

everything

I have ever learned

in my lifetime

leads back to this: the fires

and the black river of loss

whose other side 

is salvation

whose meaning

none of us will every know.

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

From the fantastic Mary Oliver's New and Selected Poems, Volume One

Reproductive Ven Diagram

This past weekend I went to a friend's wedding in a beautiful park.  The friend had thought she was infertile so had been not using birth control (!!)  But, when she found out she was pregnant, she and her long time boyfriend were both absolutely thrilled.   They decided to get married and start a family all in one year - all things they had hoped to do in the near future anyways.

The way she put it was "I feel like in the ven diagram of when I should have children, the circles are overlapping the most right now - so I want to do it".  She only gave a few examples of circles, but I sort of ran with it.

Here's my image of how this would look - I could have kept adding circles...

How do your circles fit together?

On another note, during the ceremony, they read this poem by Kuan Tao-Sheng (1262-1319):

MARRIED LOVE

You and I
Have so much love,
That it
Burns like a fire,
In which we bake a lump of clay
Molded into a figure of you
And a figure of me.
Then we take both of them,
And break them into pieces,
And mix the pieces with water,
And mold again a figure of you,
And a figure of me.
I am in your clay.
You are in my clay.

In life we share a single quilt.

believing the whole concept

Back to Sarah* (*obviously not her real name) and our counseling session.  Sarah started the session by listing quickly - before we could even ask her any questions - all the reasons why terminating her pregnancy was the right thing.  Reasons that she - and many other woman- have cited included that her "life is a mess" and she could not responsibly bring a new life into it.  Sarah* was living with an on again/off again boyfriend who she loved, but struggled with uncontrolled and unpredictable bipolar disorder.  The two of them had been living in a van under a bridge for the past several months.  They were both having a hard time finding work.  Neither one of them had any support from or connection to family in the area, nor did they have any other resources to draw on.

She went on for several minutes listing these reasons and more.  We listened.  Then she stopped and paused, looking at us to see if we had anything to say, almost looking for our agreement with her reasoning.  But the very wise and experienced counselor said nothing, just waited.  I wasn't sure what to do, so I said nothing, and waited.  Then Sarah* said, "but the truth is, I want to be a mother more than anything else in the whole world.  Even though it doesn't make sense.  Even though it's not responsible.".

And that's when the counseling began, as the counselor started asking questions to help Sarah* work out what she thought and felt.  To help her see her situation in the truest light - without judgement, but without rose colored glasses either.

Sarah* said that she was concerned that if she terminated her pregnancy, that in several months - when the baby that would have been actually would have been - what if her life was better?  What if it was now responsible for her to bring a new life into it? What if she and her boyfriend had figured out jobs, had found an apartment, had organized their lives - would she then feel incredibly guilty and regretful that she had ended the pregnancy?

The wise counselor listened and finally said, "You know, Sarah*, no matter what you decide to do in this situation, your life will be different in several months.  And if you decide to end the pregnancy and your life is better in several months, how will you know that this decision didn't help you to make your life better? And if you decide not to end the pregnancy and your life is better in several months, how will you know that this decision didn't help you make your life better?  We just have no way of knowing how our lives would have turned out if we made other decisions, but I can tell you that this decision you are making now will absolutely affect your life over the next few months - because it will be very different if you are pregnant and expecting a baby than if you are not.  Only you can make this decision, but once you have made it, don't judge yourself for it, or think of all the other possibilities that could have been - because it will be different."

Later, after Sarah* left, without terminating her pregnancy, to think more about her decision, the wise counselor and I debriefed.  We talked about how even though her reasons for why she should not be a mother right now make logical sense to us - that if we really believe in a woman's right to choose, a woman's right to make decisions about her own body, then we cannot judge her decision, we cannot think to ourselves that she should make one decision over the other.  Our role is to help her make the best decision for her, in a non-judging, non-assuming way.

It's definitely hard, but feels incredibly important.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A woman's life can really be a succession of lives, each revolving around some emotionally compelling situation or challenge, and each marked off by some intense experience"

-Wallis Simpson, Duchess of Windsor (1896-1986)