medicine | unto you a child is born

It seems fitting to tell this story now, around Christmas, the world's biggest birthday celebration.

I came in to see one of my patients after she had a cesarean delivery after coming into the hospital in labor overnight.   I had spoken with her the day before in the office and she was very scared for a cesarean delivery and very much wanted a vaginal delivery, so I was curious about how the experience was for her.  She says, "They laid me down in the operating room. It was cold.  My husband was not there yet. They exposed my belly and put soap on me, then they put a big blue sheet up in front of my face.  Then they called my husband into the room.  I was scared.  But then I breathed in deep and tried to pray.  As soon as I started praying I realized my hands (out on the arm boards beside her) were like Jesus.  My position was the same as Jesus on the cross.  When I realized this, I relaxed and was happy.  The rest was fine.  My daughter is beautiful and my scar is small."

She was right, I realized.  It is the exact position of the image of Jesus on the cross.  A position symbolizing sacrifice.  In this case, sacrificing her ideas of how she thought labor and delivery were going to be for a healthy, happy daughter.

worth it.

~~~~~~~~

"Real magic can never be made by offering someone else's liver.  

You must tear out your own, and not expect to get it back" 

- Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn

citizen | too young

One of the amazing things about living in such a vibrant and international city is the exposure to cultures and issues from everywhere in the world.  I recently stumbled upon this amazing series of photographs by National Geographic, where they asked their photographers to come up with one photo that was especially meaningful to their journey and explain why.  The photos are beautiful and you should check them all out.  One in particular got me a bit choked up - and reading more. 

words | WED3 wonders unseen and unseeable

1| the serial podcast 

like the rest of the world, I've eagerly become obsessed with this super compelling story and the podcast dedicated to parsing out the details of a real-life mystery.  I find myself trying to drive around the block in order to listen to just a little bit more. Podcasts are probably the best thing to ever happen to a car commute.  Are you listening?  What's your take?

Soul| meant for me

One of C and my favorite activities is to sing together. Neither one of us is very good but it makes us really happy.  Lately we have been singing some throwbacks including an embarrassing amount of Dave Matthews and basically all the songs played on Dawson's creek.  C surprised me before bed the other day by starting to play jewel's you were meant for me on his guitar.  We realized pretty quickly that we didn't know all the lyrics, so I looked them up - and they're actually pretty awesome.  My favorite line? "Consoled a cup of coffee, but it didn't want to talk".  So, for your inner middle schooler (or wherever you were in the mid 90s):

 "You Were Meant For Me"

I hear the clock, it's six A.M.

I feel so far from where I've been

I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too

I got my maple syrup, everything but you.

flashback | december

As is my tradition, here is a look back at what I was writing about during December's past -

what were you doing last year?  three years ago?  what or who do you miss about that time?  what are your themes? Apparently my themes for december are working in the emergency department, having fascinating conversations with older people about things that aren't quite what they seem, and reveling in being happy.  Sounds like the holiday season to me.  Enjoy!

(**as always click the links to be carried to the blogposts)

Dec 2013: happy in hawaii, first vacation with my (at that time future, now current) in-laws
Dec 2012 thinking about treating anyone who walks through the door including this woman:
When I would ask, "When did you last feel like yourself?" She would answer, "Blue."  
Dec 2011 sitting with happiness
Dec 2010 considering your internal age; visiting a nursing home for the holidays
Dec 2009 my first day in the  Emergency Department and pondering these words: I will try to help no matter what 

tribe | wedding wisdom (part 3: readings)

Part 3 of many about our epic wedding, is about wedding readings.  Every Friday since November, I'm discussing one part of our very intentionally planned wedding, because reading about weddings can be addicting and crazy, but there's so much more about how to pick your colors than about how to choose the things that really matter

women | the hostess

I recently bought a copy of the magazine DARLING, which advertises itself as a magazine about "the art of being a woman".  I'd love if it said the "science and art of being a woman" but I'm a nerd.  It's one of those pretty expensive magazines on beautiful paper that I love to just hold in my hands - other versions being Kinfolk, and others.  This magazine was recommended by a good friend, Colette, and is just really fun.  This most recent addition is divided up into different roles that women play -

soul | five words

to stir up some thinking this weekend

“We have a game we play when we’re waiting for tables in restaurants, where you have to write the five things that describe yourself on a piece of paper. When I was [in my twenties], I would have put: ambitious, Wellesley graduate, daughter, Democrat, single. Ten years later not one of those five things turned up on my list. I was: journalist, feminist, New Yorker, divorced, funny. Today not one of those five things turns up in my list: writer, director, mother, sister, happy.”

- norah ephron 

~~~~~

tribe | wedding wisdom (part 2: vows)

a few months ago, I married my best friend, favorite playmate, and partner in the most tremendous weekend wedding extravaganza imaginable (at least to us).   because it was so fabulous and I'm still savoring every single part (not to mention, actually being married to this guy - more on that soon), I'll take this in parts, one friday at a time.

PART 2: VOWS  

photo by our awesome photographer

we did a lot of thinking (and a lot of reading) to come up with our vows.   It was important to us that they reflected our shared vision for our marriage and our life together.

the best resource was the blog a practical wedding open thread.  It was so moving and inspiring to hear all the ways people promise to spend the rest of their lives as a team.

words | Wednesday 3

a few things for hump day 
1
apple season

soul | autumn 2014 playlist

"but if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all..." - bastille

tribe | wedding wisdom (part 1: non-traditions)

PART 1 of many about my incredible wedding. This time on traditions, or non-traditions.

For our epic weekend wedding a few months ago, we decided to skip a whole lot of traditions.

These included but were not limited to the bouquet toss, the cake cutting, the not-sleeping-in-the-same-place-before-the-wedding, the keeping the bride a secret the day of the wedding, the receiving line, and the heading off at the end of the reception to be alone (we eventually did head off alone, don't worry).  This is a photo during our "scheduled photo-op" at the beginning of our ceremony, where our celebrant instructed everyone that they had 30 seconds to take our photo, and then they had to put away all cell-phones and cameras to be fully present.  It rocked.

striking a photo op pose at the beginning of our ceremony

photo cred: my mother in law

women | letters to a daughter

found this gem from the UK Times' caitlin moran in a letter to her 13 year old daughter.  It's not only very english, it's hilarious and profound:  it begins with first, be kind.  Last, never start smoking - it's like a baby dragon that will eventually burn your house down.   so good!

soul | ways of time

happy monday!

some words of wisdom

thoughts on time...

home | new art obsessions

as we decorate our home dream of decorating our home, I've been finding art styles that we dig, see below for some of my latest faves. I think my taste could definitely be described as bold and whimsical.  what art do you love in your house?  what art do you wish you had?

zoe pawlak

citizen | The American Dream in Organized Crime

Is it really November?  So much has happened this year that I couldn't even contain it in any way on this blog.  Since my last post I've become a very happily married woman (more details on the wedding and the actually being married soon, but in summary: it's the best)

our awesome photographer, kara brodgesell

But this post is actually about the American Dream.  I decided to subscribe to the NewYorker magazine way back at the start of medical school so that I would continue to have SOME input of information that did not involve medicine directly.  So I have been getting the magazine in the mail (and now on my ipad) for almost 6 years.  Each week, I look forward to seeing the art on the covers and to what stories are inside.

Flashbacks: November

Happy November!

click photo for link

On the first day of every month, I like to reflect back to what I was thinking about/doing last year (and the year before...) this time of year.  November seems like a time for thinking.

health | a good morning run

an alternative title for this post was "how the process of getting marriage is really good for me".

today I commuted home from work on my own two feet.  yup, that's right.  I ran 8+ miles home, from Maryland to DC, after working 14 hours overnight.  I feel just a little badass.  Especially because this is my 3rd time this week commuting like this.  (reason #1 why the process of getting married is good for me: motivation to run more)

anyways, the inspiration for this "say good morning to everyone" thing is also known as reason #2 why the process of getting married is good for me. as part of the process of getting married, the manfriend and I have created a little "pre-marriage obstacle course" for ourselves.  It includes tasks like, "tell me the five qualities that are important to you in children and what you'd do if our kids don't have time", as well as "go check out rocks at a museum and tell me what you appreciate about them" and "learn 5 phrases in italian that we can use in daily life".   one of my "obstacles" way back when was to go on a solo hike and say hi to everyone I see.  The point of this is to make me feel friendlier? more social while hiking?  not sure entirely, but I did it back in May and it was really lovely.

today, I decided to extend this on my commute and say "good morning" to every single person I passed.  Not to think about whether they looked friendly or scary or even really awake and paying attention to me - just to go for it.  And the results made me feel so much happier about people in general, and even about myself as connected to them.  Each time I said good morning, I got less scared of people, each person seemed more accessible, more human.  Each time someone said it back, I felt more human myself.

it's amazing how disconnected from each other we let ourselves become, and how much a simple salutation can close that gap, even for just a brief moment as I run on by.

~~~~~~~~~

"you is kind

you is smart

you is important"

- from the help

medicine | DOS

you gotta be bad/ you gotta be bold/ you gotta be wiser

you gotta be hard/ you gotta be tough/ you gotta be stronger

you gotta be cool/ you gotta be calm/ you gotta stay together

all I know all I know is love will save the day

(lyrics from des'ree, you gotta be)

...and somehow I became a second year.

soul | in this broken world

(ya'll know I'm OBSESSED with lisa congdon AND mary oliver)

words | Weekly Words to Ponder

exercising the kindness muscle

This past week, two of my favorite people sent me this article from the Atlantic, which is a sure sign it's excellent.  It's a piece about unexpected qualities that sustain relationships.  The researchers they hi-light have been studying marriages since the 1960s and have divided couples into healthy, happy couples and those doomed to fail, calling them "Masters" and "Disasters" respectively.   I know that this year has made me appreciate the manfriend beyond belief (I'm pretty sure I never could have survived intern year without him) but it's been such a challenge to create a new life together while we are both working 80 hours a week, sleeping 5 hours maximum per night (or day!) and planning a wedding from afar.  It has not been easy, but I think we are doing a pretty good job of it.  And I hope with all I have that we become Masters and not Disasters.

1. Appreciate Intent (and sometimes ignore execution)
“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

2. Be there for them when the going gets GOOD
"We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship."

3. When your husband says look at the birds, LOOK AT THE BIRDs.
If you're partner is asking for your attention, give it to them (or explain when they can have it)

4. Seek out things to appreciate/be grateful for
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

5. Kindness is a muscle.
the best lesson and quote by far is about choosing kindness whenever you can, a lesson I'm learning and loving over and over again this year, despite the challenge it presents:

"There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work."

soul | Wednesday 3 Things

1. Young Adult Fiction: the debate
As someone who has basically exclusively read young adult fiction during this past year (and loved it!), but who has also read a good deal of actual adult fiction, I am so intrigued by the debate.

My favorite quote from Eleanor & Park that just captures this "nothing has ever been like this before" and "everything I feel, I feel completely" that I just love about YAF:

“You saved me life, she tried to tell him. Not forever, not for good. Probably just temporarily. But you saved my life, and now I'm yours. The me that's me right now is yours. Always.” 

From the Atlantic (more)
From New York magazine
From The NewYorker
from Slate (the negative review that started the debate)
from the NYTimes


2. Green Smoothies
I know I'm late to the game. But in the humid summer months, in overnight call, in times of not a lot of time, these rock.  Also, our kale is growing out of control!

   


3. A Quote on Marriage (from BHLDN)

Weekly Words to Ponder

Weekly Words to Ponder

lessons from intern year

I finished my intern year!  What a wild, exciting, crazy, tough, heart-wrenching, and did I mention CRAZY year it's been.  I finally understand the "drinking from a fire hose" learning metaphor because I've basically been blasted in the face by the knowledge fire hose 24/7 for the past 525,600 minutes.

To try to synthesize all that down to just a few lessons is obviously difficult - so without giving you a lecture about postpartum hemorrhage or laparoscopy post-operative complications (all of which I finally know something about), here are some of the life lessons I've learned this year that I think (hope) will help me survive the next three.

Wednesday 3 Things

1. Breathing.
I recently discovered this amazing blog by Leo Babauta
here's his manifesto on breathing - good for reading any time you feel a little bit lost.

Breathe

By Leo Babauta

Breathe.

If you feel overwhelmed, breathe. It will calm you and release the tensions.

If you are worried about something coming up, or caught up in something that already happened, breathe. It will bring you back to the present.

If you are moving too fast, breathe. It will remind you to slow down, and enjoy life more.

Breathe, and enjoy each moment of this life. They’re too fleeting and few to waste.

2.  Peonies.
I'm obsessed.  There's something about big beautiful, undelicate flowers that just makes me smile.



3. being kind.  
after a month rotating in the emergency room, I can tell you that this is not always easy.  But I have been trying to catch myself whenever I want to roar at someone - and ask, what if I was just kind right now instead?  it's made me feel a whole lot better about my interactions with people, at the very least.  try it.

To Eat & To Watch

And today, I bring you James Cameron and The Perfect Asparagus:

1. James Cameron's Ted Talk on the importance of curiosity

2. The Perfect Asparagus,
this is a recipe all my own, honed over the years of loving asparagus to taste just like asparagus

first, preheat the oven to bake at 375 or to broil
second, wash and cut off the white ends of the asparagus
third, lay them out on a baking sheet
fourth, sprinkle with sesame oil, a little soy sauce, a little balsamic vinegar, and pepper
fifth, bake or broil for 15 minutes

Ta-da!

soul | big day research

because I've been scouring the internet for good wedding resources, I thought I'd put these out there in case you too are planning a wedding that you want to be both meaningful, feminist-y, and not cost a gazillion dollars - oh, and really pretty.  without further ado, my favorite wedding websites:

Wednesday 3 things

1.  A poem we are not using for our wedding (but I love), from the original stage version of the Sound of Music (not in the movie):

Ordinary Couple:

An ordinary couple
Is all we'll ever be,
For all I want of living
Is to keep you close to me,
To laugh and weep together
While time goes on its flight,
To kiss you ev'ry morning
And to kiss you ev'ry night.
We'll meet our daily problems
And rest when day is done,
Our arms around each other
In the fading sun.
An ordinary couple,
Across the years we'll ride,
Our arms around each other
Our family by our side.

2. An article from a recent Atlantic about urban playgrounds designed to let kids take risks and create confidence, The Overprotected Kid

3.  An Anthem for right now: Let it Go, from the movie Frozen
sung by an African children's choir and an 11 year old. Amazing.
also if you haven't seen the movie, go right now. seriously, I'm an intern and I've seen it.

spring time // a first time

1. spring time
this is my first spring in DC and it is just STUNNING.  never mind the fact that I've been on nights for 7 weeks straight and that my family has had a grief-ridden first quarter of the year; I LOVE SPRING IN DC. The heat and humidity of the summer hasn't yet set in but the cold has gone for good (I think!) and being outside feels great, the perfect remedy for my exhausted body and soul. I can't believe I'm just a few short months from finishing intern year.

PS: that is an elephant jump suit you see right there. spring present to myself and probably my favorite clothing item I own.  I literally want to wear it ALL THE TIME.

2. a first time
sometime in the past few months I was called to the ED for a gyn consult for vaginal bleeding.  This is probably the most common consult that the ED calls us for, so I didn't think much of it. But  this patient experience reminded me why I became an ob-gyn.  She was a 20-something year old woman who had just had her first experience with sex and had a vaginal laceration.  We ended up packing the vagina - or creating a pressure dressing but in the vagina - and then we just had to wait to see if the bleeding stopped.

The waiting ended up being the best part, because she and I just talked.  It was clear while I was taking my history that she really did not have a lot of information - and even less accurate information - about sex.  So when I explained that normally when women have vaginal bleeding after their first intercourse, it's not this heavy because usually it's from tearing the hymenal ring - the ring of tissue that is at the opening of the vaginal introitus.  however, many if not most women have already "broken" this ring through movement or tampons so many women do not bleed at all after their first intercourse.  A laceration or deep cut in the vagina is never normal after intercourse.  Then I asked her if she had other questions.  She paused and then asked me about the different holes in a woman's bottom - she wanted to be sure he went in the "correct" one.  So I drew her a picture (and gave it to her to keep) and labeled the urethra, the vaginal opening, and the anus.  I asked if she had more questions.  She did.  We ended up talking for about 45 minutes - her asking questions, me answering them.  They ranged from what were normal emotions after a first sexual encounter (anything, I answered, can be normal), to whether or not she should talk to the guy and tell him what happened after she left (communication is probably the most important component of healthy sex, I answered, if you don't think you can talk with someone, it's a pretty good indication that it's not a great idea to have sex with them) to anatomy including the location of this elusive g-spot (I drew more for her).   Those 45 minutes were such a luxury in a time when my job emphasizes speed and efficiency, but I felt like even more than fixing her laceration, I was hopefully affecting her entire sexual life and hopefully for the better.  Moments like this, of helping women understand themselves and their bodies better, especially in vulnerable and potentially scary times, remind me why I do what I do.

The Whole World to Dance

On this lovely Saturday morning, I woke up at 4am next to my best friend/the love of my life - who I haven't seen - awake or asleep - for more than 20 minutes at a time for the past month.  It was mere minutes until he had to get up and head into the hospital, but for a moment, my world felt at peace, a way it hasn't felt for a little while now.  

Now, of course, he's off at work, and I have a whole day to myself.  Soon, I'll head out on a long run, tackle the journal that just arrived in the mail, do some laundry, and head out to meet friends, but for now - sitting here sipping my coffee with no feeling of rush is kind of the best.  

For your Saturday morning to start off as nicely as mine, my current favorite song (and dance):

I want to see our bodies burning like the big old sun

I want to know what we've been learning and learning from

-edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros, man on fire

my favorite wedding readings

it's been a tough few months for me and my family.   before processing some of that stuff on this blog, I'd like to have a purely happy post about wedding planning (!!)   after much combing through all beautiful, thoughtful words on blogs and books galore, I thought I'd share them here.

First, an excerpt from the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court Decision that made the state the first to authorize gay marriage:

"...marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideas of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family...Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity...marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition"

Next, a poem from Maya Angelou:

Touched by an Angel 
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Finally, a poem from Neil Gaiman

This for you, for both of you,

a small poem of happiness
filled with small glories and little triumphs
a fragile, short cheerful song
filled with hope and all sorts of futures

Because at weddings we imagine the future
Because it’s all about “what happened next?”
all the work and negotiation and building and talk
that makes even the tiniest happily ever after
something to be proud of for a wee forever

This is a small thought for both of you
like a feather or a prayer,
a wish of trust and love and hope
and fine brave hearts and true.

Like a tower, or a house made all of bones and dreams
and tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows

photo credit

Heavy

Heavy

by Mary Oliver

That time

I thought I could not

go any closer to grief

without dying.

I went closer,

and I did not die.

Surley God

had His hand in this,

as well as friends.

Still I was bent,

and my laughter,

as the poet said,

was nowhere to be found.

Then said my friend Daniel

(brave even among lions),

“It is not the weight you carry

but how you carry it—

books, bricks, grief—

it’s all in the way

you embrace it, balance it, carry it

When you cannot, and would not,

put it down.”

So I went practicing.

Have you noticed?

Have you heard

the laughter

that comes, now and again,

out of my startled mouth?

How I linger

to admire, admire

the things of this world

that are kind and maybe

also troubled—

roses in the wind,

The sea geese on the steep waves,

a love

to which there is no reply?