health | a good morning run

an alternative title for this post was "how the process of getting marriage is really good for me".

today I commuted home from work on my own two feet.  yup, that's right.  I ran 8+ miles home, from Maryland to DC, after working 14 hours overnight.  I feel just a little badass.  Especially because this is my 3rd time this week commuting like this.  (reason #1 why the process of getting married is good for me: motivation to run more)

anyways, the inspiration for this "say good morning to everyone" thing is also known as reason #2 why the process of getting married is good for me. as part of the process of getting married, the manfriend and I have created a little "pre-marriage obstacle course" for ourselves.  It includes tasks like, "tell me the five qualities that are important to you in children and what you'd do if our kids don't have time", as well as "go check out rocks at a museum and tell me what you appreciate about them" and "learn 5 phrases in italian that we can use in daily life".   one of my "obstacles" way back when was to go on a solo hike and say hi to everyone I see.  The point of this is to make me feel friendlier? more social while hiking?  not sure entirely, but I did it back in May and it was really lovely.

today, I decided to extend this on my commute and say "good morning" to every single person I passed.  Not to think about whether they looked friendly or scary or even really awake and paying attention to me - just to go for it.  And the results made me feel so much happier about people in general, and even about myself as connected to them.  Each time I said good morning, I got less scared of people, each person seemed more accessible, more human.  Each time someone said it back, I felt more human myself.

it's amazing how disconnected from each other we let ourselves become, and how much a simple salutation can close that gap, even for just a brief moment as I run on by.

~~~~~~~~~

"you is kind

you is smart

you is important"

- from the help

exercising the kindness muscle

This past week, two of my favorite people sent me this article from the Atlantic, which is a sure sign it's excellent.  It's a piece about unexpected qualities that sustain relationships.  The researchers they hi-light have been studying marriages since the 1960s and have divided couples into healthy, happy couples and those doomed to fail, calling them "Masters" and "Disasters" respectively.   I know that this year has made me appreciate the manfriend beyond belief (I'm pretty sure I never could have survived intern year without him) but it's been such a challenge to create a new life together while we are both working 80 hours a week, sleeping 5 hours maximum per night (or day!) and planning a wedding from afar.  It has not been easy, but I think we are doing a pretty good job of it.  And I hope with all I have that we become Masters and not Disasters.

1. Appreciate Intent (and sometimes ignore execution)
“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

2. Be there for them when the going gets GOOD
"We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship."

3. When your husband says look at the birds, LOOK AT THE BIRDs.
If you're partner is asking for your attention, give it to them (or explain when they can have it)

4. Seek out things to appreciate/be grateful for
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

5. Kindness is a muscle.
the best lesson and quote by far is about choosing kindness whenever you can, a lesson I'm learning and loving over and over again this year, despite the challenge it presents:

"There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work."

spring time // a first time

1. spring time
this is my first spring in DC and it is just STUNNING.  never mind the fact that I've been on nights for 7 weeks straight and that my family has had a grief-ridden first quarter of the year; I LOVE SPRING IN DC. The heat and humidity of the summer hasn't yet set in but the cold has gone for good (I think!) and being outside feels great, the perfect remedy for my exhausted body and soul. I can't believe I'm just a few short months from finishing intern year.

PS: that is an elephant jump suit you see right there. spring present to myself and probably my favorite clothing item I own.  I literally want to wear it ALL THE TIME.

2. a first time
sometime in the past few months I was called to the ED for a gyn consult for vaginal bleeding.  This is probably the most common consult that the ED calls us for, so I didn't think much of it. But  this patient experience reminded me why I became an ob-gyn.  She was a 20-something year old woman who had just had her first experience with sex and had a vaginal laceration.  We ended up packing the vagina - or creating a pressure dressing but in the vagina - and then we just had to wait to see if the bleeding stopped.

The waiting ended up being the best part, because she and I just talked.  It was clear while I was taking my history that she really did not have a lot of information - and even less accurate information - about sex.  So when I explained that normally when women have vaginal bleeding after their first intercourse, it's not this heavy because usually it's from tearing the hymenal ring - the ring of tissue that is at the opening of the vaginal introitus.  however, many if not most women have already "broken" this ring through movement or tampons so many women do not bleed at all after their first intercourse.  A laceration or deep cut in the vagina is never normal after intercourse.  Then I asked her if she had other questions.  She paused and then asked me about the different holes in a woman's bottom - she wanted to be sure he went in the "correct" one.  So I drew her a picture (and gave it to her to keep) and labeled the urethra, the vaginal opening, and the anus.  I asked if she had more questions.  She did.  We ended up talking for about 45 minutes - her asking questions, me answering them.  They ranged from what were normal emotions after a first sexual encounter (anything, I answered, can be normal), to whether or not she should talk to the guy and tell him what happened after she left (communication is probably the most important component of healthy sex, I answered, if you don't think you can talk with someone, it's a pretty good indication that it's not a great idea to have sex with them) to anatomy including the location of this elusive g-spot (I drew more for her).   Those 45 minutes were such a luxury in a time when my job emphasizes speed and efficiency, but I felt like even more than fixing her laceration, I was hopefully affecting her entire sexual life and hopefully for the better.  Moments like this, of helping women understand themselves and their bodies better, especially in vulnerable and potentially scary times, remind me why I do what I do.

my favorite wedding readings

it's been a tough few months for me and my family.   before processing some of that stuff on this blog, I'd like to have a purely happy post about wedding planning (!!)   after much combing through all beautiful, thoughtful words on blogs and books galore, I thought I'd share them here.

First, an excerpt from the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court Decision that made the state the first to authorize gay marriage:

"...marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideas of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family...Because it fulfills yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity...marriage is an esteemed institution and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life's momentous acts of self-definition"

Next, a poem from Maya Angelou:

Touched by an Angel 
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.
Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.
We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love’s light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

Finally, a poem from Neil Gaiman

This for you, for both of you,

a small poem of happiness
filled with small glories and little triumphs
a fragile, short cheerful song
filled with hope and all sorts of futures

Because at weddings we imagine the future
Because it’s all about “what happened next?”
all the work and negotiation and building and talk
that makes even the tiniest happily ever after
something to be proud of for a wee forever

This is a small thought for both of you
like a feather or a prayer,
a wish of trust and love and hope
and fine brave hearts and true.

Like a tower, or a house made all of bones and dreams
and tomorrows and tomorrows and tomorrows

photo credit

the thrill of hope

the thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn

this christmas, I feel like I have grasped a new meaning of christmas -

hope in a time of the greatest darkness.

hope for the weary.

as one who has truly joined the ranks of the weary this year, I am feeling more and more touched by the spirit and wonder of christmas.  chris and I are back from hawaii with his family and up in the northeast with my family to celebrate and rejoice for the next week. just this morning, my dad and I picked up antepaste for the coming feasts and the line at our favorite italian market in town was literally out the door.  no worries though, as the ten guys and ladies behind the counter were pros, the guy took my order (of about 10 different things) and got it all just right. ofcourse, while we were waiting, I also got to hear about what was in the stuffed peppers and sample christmas cookies and sopressa that the woman next to me offered straight out of her basket, saying I just must try them.  I love the holidays.  family, joy, hope.  so much hope.

speaking of which, enjoy this beautiful flash mob by berklee students at the MFA in boston:

Life Moves Pretty Fast...

It's been a while since I've blogged but since then:

I spent some time with wonderful friends and family...

...hiked the Presidential Traverse in New Hampshire (a dramatic 23+ miles in one day)

....packed up our whole house to move to Washington, D.C.

(believe me, you do not want to see photos of this)

...graduated from medical school - now Dr. Erica! (and Dr. Chris)

...and I got engaged to my long-time love, Chris!!!!!!!!!!!

flashback Thursday: May

And the return of FLASHBACK THURSDAY commences!  This feels so critical to me - like re-reading through my old journals - like a conversation with my past selves, asking their advice on if I'm living my life right and true now.  But because it's a lot, I think I may just do one entry at the first Thursday of every month (trying to make more realistic expectations of blogging for residency!).  Same thing as before - to read the full entry, click on the date (e.g. "May 2012").

What could you learn from your past MAY selves?  

What were you doing last May?

in May 2012, I was on my night float acting internship delivering babies and not sleeping very much.  It was a critical time for me because it solidified my decision to be an ob-gyn; even though I was constantly more exhausted than I had ever been before, I loved it.  Some of the guidelines for night float I wrote down then:

1. first thing you do when you get home is shower.  I don't care how tired you are, [other people's] amniotic fluid should not be on your sheets.
2. bring lots of healthy snacks - especially water-heavy snacks (fruits, veggies, just plain old water)
3. when you wake up (or if you feel alert before heading to sleep): work out.  even if it's short, ugly, traumatic - there's not a day when it will feel good so if you start using that as your measure if you should go work out, it'll never happen.

~~~~
in May 2011, I was on my family medicine clerkship and telling lots of stories about my amazing interactions with my patients.  My tribe also came to visit me in northern maine and we took a trip out to Acadia!  During that time, I came up with a list of "things I learned in family med" including:

1. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have (even if sometimes what they have is a history of an alcoholic mother and bad coping mechanisms)

that one needs a pause for emphasis. okay, next:

2. Trust but verify. (Ronald Regan, about the Soviet Union)

3. Manage the unavoidable and avoid (or prevent) the unmanageable (-Friedman, about climate science)

4. Try not to work too much harder than your patients are working for themselves.

5. Results can be good or bad news, so deliver all results neutrally until you know how people feel

~~~~
in  May 2010, I was finishing up first year of medical school and trying to do a million things at once.  Also, the world cup was happening and I was maybe falling in love with the manfriend - slowly but surely!  (here's us at a US soccer game in CT where we drove through the night to get back for class the next day)




~~~~
in May 2009, I was preparing to move to Vermont and start medical school.  I only have one blog entry from that month and it is entitled "Loosening the Moorings on the Soul". For some reason this one feels the most fitting right now, perhaps because, four years later, I'm in yet another transition.  Here's an excerpt:

Question: How do we adjust our lives in a world that requires us to be in so many more places?

Answer inspired by a novel by Salman Rushdie, called the Enchantress of Florence:

"In a small wooden box concealed behind a sliding panel...[he] kept a collection of beloved 'objects of virtue', beautiful little pieces without which a man who traveled constantly might lose his bearings, for too much travel....too much strangeness and novelty, could loosen the moorings of the soul"
-Salman Rushdie, The Enchantress of Florence

~~~~
in May 2008, I was living in Boston, finally comfortable being single, still working at my very first job, and running along the Charles River pretty much daily.  Here's a passage from an entry reminding me to continue to interact with strangers:

So after I passed the Pretty Good-Looking Guy the second time, I'm smiling all happy-like. Ahead of me, walking the other direction listening to his old school Walkman is a slightly tattered Old Man. And because I'm feeling so happy, I smile briefly at the Old Man as I run by, thinking very little of it.

But a few strides later, I hear him yell back at me (yell in a kind, not aggressive, way) "thanks for the smile; that was very nice". I regret that I didn't turn, I just gave him a behind-my-head thumbs up and kept going the other way. 

the adventures of the travel bugs

"Wasn't that the definition of home? Not where you came from, but where you are wanted?"

- Cutting for Stone, Abraham Verghese

~~~~

since the last time i wrote, we have been in VT, Boston, Worcester, Saratoga Springs, D.C., northern California, and Lake Tahoe!  We have walked over battle grounds, cooked dinner for my grandparents, been under house arrest in my sister's tiny apartment for almost a full day, ran around several lakes, hiked up several mountains,   signed a lease for a new apartment (!!!), ran on the national mall, got to see so much of both of our tribes, wine tasted, and driven through the night to get to our next destination.  We have spent a total of 3 days at home since getting back from Nepal - most of them scrambling to finish up residency paperwork!

All this with just our little backpacks (i should probably write an ode to my backpack at some point) and each other.  It's made me feel really, really lucky to have such a great travel buddy, and that we have so many people we love that we want to spend time with - who we can finally spend time with!  

Here's a quick instagram recap of more recent travels.  more soon!

xoxo, the travel bugs 

i heart vermont

this one above was actually taken from our back-to-back hike the next day.  

we are hiking more lately to build up for an epic hike we are planning*

we decided to take off our yak tracks and RUN down the mountain

slipping, sliding, giggling

and surprising some un-suspecting snow-shoeing teenagers

*this epic hike may or may not involve us heading to the Himalayas for a month right after match 

well done, vermont. well done. 

those are mint chocolate covered malt balls you're seeing right there. yup, you heard correctly.

most. amazing. chocolate. ever.

Happy Valentines Day!

the manfriend surprised me with a snowy hike up to a wooden cabin with wine and chocolate 

followed by a delicious mac n' cheese dinner

what more could a girl ask for? :)

~~~~~~

"hello black bird/ hello starling 

winter's over/ be my darling!"

- Josh Ritter

Biking Partners

Two very good friends just got married this past summer

- and for their honeymoon (and maybe the rest of their lives) they will be biking all over.  

so when thinking about what to get them, 

the manfriend and I decided to create team jerseys:

(these pictures are delayed - we got them to them in time for the honeymoon)

aren't they the cutest?

"sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, the universe gives us a fairy tale"

- unknown

Newport Photo Shoot

It was a stormy afternoon, but just as Pachebel's canon started and our friend walked down the aisle, the clouds cleared making way for blue sky and the best camera lighting we've seen in a while

(these photos are from my phone!)

soul mates

I just love this quote from Elizabeth Gilbert - and have found myself referencing it to a few friends lately, so I thought I'd bring it here too:

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah.  Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little big, show you your obstacles and additctions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life..."

-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

current p

Having it All

As a future doctor (in T minus 9 months!) and as the daughter of two working professional parents who I can say without a doubt love me more than anything else in their lives (except for maybe my sister, and even then they assure us that we are equally what they love and value most), the recent article "Why Women Still Can't Have It All" by Anne-Marie Slaughter in the Atlantic was fascinating.  Though the article is quite long, it's completely worth it.  Instead of focusing on condemning our generation for not "striving for the top", or being falsely reassuring about the reality of having a high impact career and being highly impactful on your family, she brings the argument to how instead of continuing to give women horrible "choices" and judging what they choose, we should change the discussion.  Some examples include how technology can let us have more flexible work hours, how companies can encourage "family leave" acknowledging the importance not just of children, but of caring for a spouse or ill parent.  And this is probably one of my favorite paragraphs and is a great example of her shifting the discussion:

One final example: I have worked with many Orthodox Jewish men who observed the Sabbath from sundown on Friday until sundown on Saturday. Jack Lew, the two-time director of the Office of Management and Budget, former deputy secretary of state for management and resources, and now White House chief of staff, is a case in point. Jack’s wife lived in New York when he worked in the State Department, so he would leave the office early enough on Friday afternoon to take the shuttle to New York and a taxi to his apartment before sundown. He would not work on Friday after sundown or all day Saturday. Everyone who knew him, including me, admired his commitment to his faith and his ability to carve out the time for it, even with an enormously demanding job.

It is hard to imagine, however, that we would have the same response if a mother told us she was blocking out mid-Friday afternoon through the end of the day on Saturday, every week, to spend time with her children. I suspect this would be seen as unprofessional, an imposition of unnecessary costs on co-workers. In fact, of course, one of the great values of the Sabbath—whether Jewish or Christian—is precisely that it carves out a family oasis, with rituals and a mandatory setting-aside of work.

Without giving more away, and because I'm still processing it, I'll just tell you this: read it (click here). then let me know what you think. and then let's talk about the changes we can make.

ingots and ferry wheels

a little bike adventure with the manfriend through the shapes and sights of Pittsburgh

"It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those yeas wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. what weather they shall have is not ours to rule.

- Tolkien