The World is not Conclusion

This World is not Conclusion by Emily Dickinson

This world is not Conclusion.

A Species stands beyond - 

Invisible, as Music - 

But positive, as Sound - 

It beckons, and it baffles - 

Philosophy - don't know - 

And through a Riddle, at the last -

Sagacity, must go - 

to guess it, puzzles scholars -

To gain it, Men have borne

contempt of generations

And Crucifixion, shown -

faith slips - and laughs, and rallies - 

blushes, if any see-

plucks at a twig of evidence -

And asks a Vane, the way -

Much gesture, from the Pulpit -

strong Hallelujahs roll-

Narcotics cannot still the Tooth

That nibbles at the soul.

Flashback Thursday: June 2009-2012

For this flashback Thursday, I give you the wonderful month of June:
(click on the titles to check out the whole article)

June 2008: In Praise of the Man Who Asks Questions
In Boston, figuring out the dating scene.  While I'm not as concerned about this myself, I still find myself talking about this so much with my ladies:
If I were to give one general seduction tip (and this has been confirmed by many) it would be this: ask lots of questions... and then actually pay attention to the answers.
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"Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired"
-Robert Frost

June 2009: The Metrosexual Package

The summer before medical school - still in Boston.

Total Randomness but reminding me of a few people who have danced into my life lately: 

"...that quintessential California type, the overgrown and hyperactive child. Immensely gifted but flawed, he is a jumble of self-regard, self-confidence and self-immolation — potential greatness and a potential train wreck in the same metrosexual package."

June 2010: On Transitions

my first summer after medical school, leaving my new friends (and new lover, now FIANCE), but how perfectly fitting for right now:

Before I left my country home, I was sitting on our brand new (ish) back porch with one of my room mates talking about leaving. She reminded me that humans adapt so much more easily than we anticipate we will. Transitions are hard for everyone - humans fear change more than anything - except boredom, maybe. And I think that's what saves us.

Tonight, on another porch, with old friends from my life in this city, talking about soccer games, relationships, and memories, it feels like maybe those two porches aren't really the worlds away they seem sometimes.

June 2011: What Love Means to Kids

I just love this post, and possibly see a wedding reading in the making...

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

June 2012: Backyard Brewhouse

I really loved this night - Chris and I decided because we were only in town for a few days to head out to our favorite beer garden and just tell everyone to show up to see us.  It totally worked!

 

Only a Door (Poetry Tuesday a day late)

This felt like the most perfectly fitting poem for the start of residency:

Prospective Immigrants Please Note
by Adrienne Rich

Either you will
go through this door
or you will not go through

If you go through
there is always the risk
of remembering your name

Things look at you doubly
and you must look back
and let them happen.

If you do not go through
it is possible
to live worthily

to maintain your attitudes
to hold your position
to die bravely

but much will blind you
much will evade you,
at what cost who knows?

the door itself 
makes no promises
it is only a door.

I wonder if I changed in the night

“I wonder if I've been changed in the night. Let me think. 

Was I the same when I got up this morning? 

I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. 

But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!” 

- Lewis Carroll in Alice in Wonderland

and so it's begun...

this past Saturday began my first week of orientation as an intern in Obstetrics and Gynecology - and I don't know if I've ever been so excited and so nervous. We started with a two day course in Advanced Cardiac Life Support (ACLS) which is learning the skills and protocols that skilled health care providers (read: not the medical students we just were) use to save someone's life after s/he has suffered a cardiac arrest.  As part of this, we had to run a mock MEGACODE, which meant that we were given a scenario of a patient suffering a cardiac arrest and had to be in charge of making all the decisions, assigning tasks to the rest of the team, and adjust as things changed.  Even though it was just a (very sophisticated) mannequin, it felt more real than (almost) anything I've done in medical school.

after that, we started a long (and not always exciting) orientation to all the things that we should know or start to think about as interns.  Some of these are covered in any new employee orientation, regardless of your field, including how to get paid, how to sign-up for parking, etc.  But others are decidedly unique to medicine, such as Emergency Disaster Preparedness, Burnout and its Consequences for You and Your Patients, and Risk Management.  As part of the last part - which is normally a pretty dry lecture about how to minimize risks by maximizing systems, our CMO showed us the following video of a mother talking about the medical mistakes that led to the death of her young daughter at one of the best hospitals in the country:

Later, we had a panel discussion with the program directors of a bunch of different fields and they showered us with words of wisdom.  I'm going to write them down here in hopes that I can come back to this when I'm in the thick of residency:

(1) Don't take it personally.  

No patient is having their favorite day if they're coming into the hospital.

(2) Greet people warmly everywhere you go in the hospital.

(3) Remember to keep reading.  

If you skimp on reading because it doesn't feel like you have time, soon you feel like you don't know enough and that knowing enough is out of your control.  This program director suggested reading 7-10 hours each week (!!)

(4) Know when to ask for help

(this one seems critical, but also very, very tricky)

(5)  Don't be so self-important.  

Remember that even though your life will be super hard, it doesn't drop you off the hook for taking care of the people you love or the rest of your life stuff.

(6) Sit down.

not only because they'll be plenty of time to stand, but also because it reminds you (and your patient) that in that moment, s/he is the most important thing - not whatever you have to do next.

We ended today with a scavenger hunt around DC in the rain - taking photos at some of the most famous places in the world, and hanging in monuments dedicated to amazing people (Einstein, FDR, MLK jr, to name a few), giving me some perspective on contributing to society.

  

I ended the day with a very happy happy hour with all my co-interns - so wild to think that I'll be sharing insane, crazy, exciting, terrifying, sad, and exhilarating moments with these ladies for the next four years:

we've done it! (now we can start)

the past few weeks, it has felt like the manfriend (manfiance now!) and I have a "to-do list" 8,000 items long, and each time we knock one off, we barely have time to pat ourselves on the back before we realize that there are five other things we didn't even realize we had to do.

but I guess that's just how it goes when you graduate from medical school, move to a new city, set up a "real" house with your partner, start a new residency program, get a new car, and get engaged to your best friend, right?

every day we climb into bed completely exhausted, and I haven't even started residency yet! chris has just started orientation but we definitely both have the pre-starting/just starting jitters. it is somewhat familiar, actually, in a start of college sort of way (do I have the right shoes? oh no, what if I didn't have time to get all the books yet? do I know how to get to class? etc) all the stuff you realize that you JUST. FIGURE. OUT.

finally, finally, finally, I feel like our home is pretty set up. it's not all the way there yet (we still have folding chairs - nice folding chairs, but still - as our dining room chairs) but thanks to a trip back to my parents house to rifle through their basement, a couple leaving the city for dubai who sold us their furniture for super cheap, and our amazing but slightly crazy landlord who replaced our broken down fridge (but not freezer?) by carrying the old one out and new one in himself - it's starting to feel like we live here. check out the photos of the new place below.

chris and I are definitely starting to feel settled in. today I found another adorable neighborhood coffee shop, studied in my living room, and went on my first solo run in the city; it was just lovely. I start tomorrow (with an acute cardiac life support class!) and I'm just so excited!!

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"what is not done today will not be done tomorrow"
- faust, translated from german by our landlord

Poetry Tuesday: Habitation

Because I'm thinking a lot about both marriage and living in a new house, a poem to restart Poetry Tuesdays by Margaret Atwood, called Habitation.


Habitation

Marriage is not
a house or even a tent

it is before that, and colder

the edge of the forest, the edge
of the desert
the unpainted stairs
at the back where we squat
outside, eating popcorn

where painfully and with wonder
at having survived even
this far

we are learning to make fire.