Flashback Thursday: 4 and 5 years ago March

This post was so fun to read because I was reminded about my wonderful Boston community and how relieved I felt to finally feel like I could create that in a world that wasn't college.

It was also really interesting to read my first blog post ever (see below) and think about all the plot twists that have occurred in my life since then.  Moving to Vermont.  Meeting (and falling in love with) a man from California in Vermont.  Deciding to go into Ob-Gyn and fully embracing my passion for women's health.  Climbing mountain after mountain and just wanting to climb more.

Lots of Love to Abby, Dan, Paul and my Boston community today!

xoxo

~~~~~~~~

4 years ago: in Boston, finally part of a community I love

I have three roommates right now, two of whom are gorgeous, 6 feet plus, athletic, brilliant, very very gay men. When we take the subway together, we play a game we call "is my future husband on this train?" - the idea behind which is a) it's so much fun to blatantly check people out on the train alongside two much more obvious men and b) you never know when or where or how your life will intersect with people, places, ideas that stir your soul and excite your mind and send you soaring in an entirely new direction.

they're pretty cute, huh?

(even when we're making funny faces)

5 years ago: in Boston, adjusting to a new city, life after college, my first job, and a 1.5 hour long commute.  Here is my very first blogpost:

I went out to dinner with a friend the other night and we talked about how she's become disillusioned with dating because she feels like when she meets someone, she already knows the steps they're going to go through, can see it all pan out, and end (much to her disappointment), because so far they've all ended. She explained it as "like watching a movie you've already seen a few times before - after a certain number of times, it's like, 'what's the point?'"

That's life. I told her. Plus all the parts you can't predict or don't expect. The interactions that change the course of your life forever - or for the evening - or at least make you consider a different way. And the reactions that surprise you, shock you, disappoint you even.

I guess I just feel the opposite - I see every interaction as a potential plot twist.

****

"Man is a romantic at heart and will always put aside dull, peddling reason for the excitement of an enigma...mystery, not logic, is what gives us hope and keeps us believing in a force greater than our own significance" 

- Bryce Courtnay, The Power of One

Abby and me

in our first days of post-college living in Boston

(it's one of my favorite photos ever - it just captures everything)

Poetry Tuesday: Immemorial Feelings

Goods by Wendell Berry

It's the immemorial feelings
I like the best: hunger, thirst,
their satisfaction; work-weariness,
earned rest; the falling again
from loneliness to love;
the green growth the mind takes
from the pastures in March;
the gayety in the stride
of a good team of Belgian mares
that seems to shudder from me
through all my ancestry.

see more on the Writer's Almanac Blog
(an absolute favorite of mine)

breathe in, breathe out

trekking in Nepal -

stay tuned for stories and photos!

in the meantime, check out this amazing blog: & Kathleen 

where she posts photos like the one above and talks about her experience on a similar trip 

(click on the photo above for link)

Flashback Thursday: What I Do

This post is fun to re-read because it reminds me that now I know more what I do

I help women figure out intimate, life changing decisions at their most vulnerable times

I provide information and healing to women and their families

I'm an educator, a scientist, a healer.

It's what I do.

~~~~~~

3 years ago: first year of medical school, in the middle of studying biochemical pathways

The other day I was talking to my father, not a doctor, about a case he's working on right now and how it was taking him all over the world to track down all the information he needed, but when I asked him if he was tired or stressed, he said, a little tired, maybe, but no, this is what I do.

What I do.

It's such an interesting concept - this thing, this job or career or role is WHAT I DO - my purpose, my passion, my greatest skill ?

What is it that I do exactly? Help people? Listen? Try to figure out what's wrong?

Oh wait...study.

with Delia, my first roommate and friend in med school

(this is probably my favorite photo of us)

Poetry Tuesday: The Rider

this one comes from one of my favorite, Naomi Shihab Rye and her book Fuel, which I've referenced before HERE.

The Rider
By Naomi Shihab Nye

A boy told me
if he roller-skated fast enough
his loneliness couldn’t catch up to him,

the best reason I ever heard
for trying to be a champion.

What I wonder tonight
pedaling hard down King William Street
is if it translates to bicycles.

A victory! To leave your loneliness
panting behind you on some street corner
while you float free into a cloud of sudden azaleas,
pink petals that have never felt loneliness,
no matter how slowly they fell.

photo via pinterest

Try the Mountain Passes

and we're off to Nepal!  

(stories and photos to come)

Capitol-Bound!

We matched in Washington, DC!

We are so thrilled and so grateful to our family and friends for all their love and support.

We feel so lucky to have been part of a wonderful community for medical school and know these ties will be with us throughout our careers and lives.

more soon!

Flashback Thursday: 1 and 2 years ago March

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

- Max Ehrmann

This blog has been a source of great processing and documentation for me for over 5 (!!) years and I wanted some way to make sure I kept reading back through it (and maybe that you do too) because sometimes the wisdom and experiences can be applied in a new way to our current lives.

So each Thursday that I remember I will re-post part of a post of that month from the past 5 years.  We'll see how it goes, but it could be fun!  Here are some excerpts from the past 2 years to get started!

So, without further ado - thoughts from Marches past:

1 year ago: just starting my fourth year of medical school and committing to OB-GYN

an excerpt from Max Ehrmann poem:

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

with many of the ladies of my tribe in California 

NYE 2011-2012

2 years ago:  living in Florida on my psychiatry clerkship rotation

I think I've figured out the hardest thing to treat in medicine.

At one point I thought it was PAIN -

because pain pathways continue to send signals even after limbs are amputated and ends of nerves destroyed.

Another time I though it was DELUSIONS -

because how do you convince someone that their reality is false?

Now I think it's HOPELESSNESS.

Also, a great book recommendation for Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning

Mark, Anna, Chris and me,

toasting to the start of clerkships in Florida.

(my hair is soooo short!)

Rebirth

I don't know about where you are, but we have certainly had spring-like weather for the past few days, including a beautiful thick-raindropped storm today.  My day consisted of running a few last minute errands for our trip with the manfriend, cosying in at home to do some work/some yoga, and planning a venture out to get Pho for a casual dinner date.  Sounds like spring to me!  In the spirit of almost-spring, from a new blog I love, a passage from Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years""

"People get stuck, thinking they are one kind of person, but they aren't... The human body essentially recreates itself every six months.  Nearly every cell of hair and skin and bone dies and another is directed to its former place.  You are not who you were in February"

Myself, I know I'm not who I was in February - and certainly not six months ago.  Instead of feeling so in need of nestling in to my lovely home, I want to spread my wings and adventure!  Which is why - while it also feels a bit crazy - it mostly feels so right that I'm about to find out where I'm spending the upcoming four years of my life and then almost immediately jumping on an airplane to Nepal for a month-long trek in the Himalayas.

What has changed in you since February? 

if you find yourself in medical school

this poem was inspired by a writing prompt and THIS AWESOME POEM by neil gaiman
It's still a work in progress, but I wanted to share it in the meantime...

Instructions (for what to do if you find yourself in medical school)

First, Don't Panic.

you need to know that it's okay to walk through doors marked

DANGEROUS! RESTRICTED! AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY!

even though you won't feel either safe or authorized, go for it

it's totally normal.

so walk through Door #1

put on a mask and a gown

your slippers

and a hat

only your eyes and hands are exposed for expression

and then you put on your gloves

you may start to feel like you've entered a wonky version of Cinderella's ball

but then you'll see spacemen and robots

through the glass window next to Door #2 

(marked RESTRICTED ACCESS!)

Walk in.  Backwards. Without touching anything blue.

Your nose may start itching at this point.

Whatever you do, DO NOT SCRATCH IT.

or you'll have to leave the room.

but if you stay a while

you may get to hold a beating heart,

use a saw to remove someone's dying leg

listen to someone's lung struggle to inflate

remove a tumor that's larger than all the organs inside the abdomen

give someone back her movement

his independence

their lives

be the first hands to hold a new person as she enters the world
the last hands he holds as he passes 

you may get to be the eyes that someone looks to when he's scared

when she's relieved

when he doesn't understand

when she's accepted  that death is coming soon.

and just when you think your brain (or your heart) is full

it's only just started

kind of like your bladder

(that's an inside joke that will make sense later on) 

BEWARE!
you will feel like you don't have any time

to walk outside

take a deep breath

say a prayer

jump in the shower

or call your mother

but you do and you should

because in this life, you will fall often -  

flat on your face, both literally and metaphorically
maybe into love

definitely off track (though you'll come back)

and into uncomfortable situations left and right

but despite how it feels

you are getting better at this.

and believe it or not,
you'll also find time to hike up mountains
you will see sunrises that most people miss
hear stories about why people make the choices they make
and how they came to be who they are

BUT WAIT!
I should tell you that you will also meet wonderful people

people you will depend on for your sanity,

whose eyes you can look for when you're unsure what your role is

when you don't know what to do

when you think you can't hold on anymore

and if you remember only one thing, make it this:
remember the magic
 even though you will understand all the underlying mechanisms,
take a moment to just breath, listen,
and revel in the world of wonder you have entered

We Matched!

We find out where on Friday

but for now, a big sigh of relief and a chance to go hiking!

Tea and Honey

I think it's probably a good idea to begin today with Winnie the Pooh.

preferably accompanied by tea and honey.

trusting the universe...

The Power of Ruling Things Out/Rules of Storytelling

I recently read a post from Emma Coates, Pixar's story artist about the rules of Storytelling.  I have talked before about how one big part I like about medicine is the stories I get to hear/get to be a part of because of it.  I have been exploring writing my own experiences with medicine, but I have yet to branch into non-fiction as a way of processing these stories.  I recently read an amazing article by Dr. Jay Baruch where he writes stories about how patient encounters could have gone if he had made other decisions in order to process his decisions.  In the article I mentioned, he tells a story of deciding NOT to treat a man with gunshot wounds to the chest because the patient keeps yelling at him and calling him a Douchebag (the title of the story is Dr. Douchebag).  

What I like about writing techniques is that they can also often be techniques to process your own life.  Take Coates' rule #9, "When you're stuck, make a list of what wouldn't happen next" 

This can definitely be applied in our own lives - my version of this is:

if you don't know what you want, start with what you KNOW you DON'T WANT. 

This can also get pretty silly - as in,  well I know I don't want it to start pouring rain and ice while we're standing here talking about it.  (this can turn into the very helpful exercise of "it could be much worse") But it can also help one to choose a path as in, I don't want to do my residency training in Texas (no offense to the Big State, it's just not for me right now).  For me, the possibilities of things I would probably be really happy doing can sometimes seem endless, which means that I have no idea where to begin.  Sometimes the only strong feelings I can get are "well, no I don't want THAT" which end up being incredibly revealing of what I DO want. 

Things I DON'T WANT in my life right now  --- what it reveals that I do want
1. worrying about things I can't control ---  to do more yoga/focus on having faith
2. being too tired that I can't enjoy things --- to rest, get enough sleep, focus energy on what I enjoy
3. feeling like I don't have enough time with people I love ----; to spend time with the people I care about

To keep you thinking of writing rules as life guidance, some of my other favorites from Coates:
*Pull apart the stories you like.  What you like in them is part of you; you've got to recognize it before you can use it. (for example, this list of 10 young adult novels with strong female heroines)

*Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating.

~~~~~~~

"from the day we arrive on the planet, and blinking step into the sun,

there's more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done"

-the Lion King, Circle of Life

(great song, surprisingly super profound)

Getting Ready

My To-Do List
(because sometimes these are the most revealing of what's going on in my life right now)

1. re-learn cholesterol synthesis so I can teach a review session this afternoon
2. review applications for the Schweitzer Fellowship this year so I can interview applicants later and decide who gets it!
3. go take passport photos at the post-office for visas etc. (no smiling)
4. drop off/pick up travel medicine prescriptions (cipro- check! diamox- check! diflucan - check!)
5. bake home-made bread to take to grandparents house tomorrow
6. schedule a post-match financial consulting appointment
7. turn in my tutoring forms from the fall to get paid
8. write up the introduction and methods for my paper on teaching medical students sign-out
9. apply for a leadership conference in family planning scheduled for May (the last day to apply is Friday, shoot - I need to get on this)
10. call my parents and catch them up on all my travel plans
11. buy new hiking boots, as after 10 years mine are officially no longer waterproof thanks to a big rip in the seams - and then wear them constantly to test them out before our trip!
12. run 5 miles today to shake out my legs, run 8-10 miles with my buddy Katie tomorrow early morning before traveling to see my grandparents for the day
13. swim/yoga/stretch my sore muscles this weekend
14. check in with my tribe
15. watch this TedTalk on the power of vulnerability
16. pick out an outfit for match day (1 week!!!)
17. write my next narrative medicine story (stay tuned)
18. pick up a used copy of Into Thin Air to read again about the history of Everest.
19. send some papers I've been promising to 3rd years whose research projects I'm trying to help with
20. kiss the manfriend (this makes me smile when its on my to do list)

what's on your to-do list these days?

photo source

~~~~~~

and I really like this one:

"two things define you: 

your patience when you have nothing 

and your attitude when you have everything"

-unknown

Poetry Tuesday: Instructions (if you find yourself in a fairy tale)

This poem comes courtesy of a narrative medicine course in combination with Alice and Wonderland - which I'm re-reading and re-adoring right now.  There are so many amazing quotations in this book that can be interpreted infinitely; one of my favorites is:

"'If you knew Time as well as I do', said the Hatter, you wouldn't talk about wasting it'"

photo is from vanity fair, TIm Burton's Alice in Wonderland photo shoot

(I'm a huge TIm Burton fan)

Instructions

By Neil Gaiman

Touch the wooden gate in the wall you never saw before.
Say “please” before you open the latch,
go through,
walk down the path.
A red metal imp hangs from the green-painted front door,
as a knocker,
do not touch it; it will bite your fingers.
Walk through the house. Take nothing. Eat nothing.
However,
if any creature tells you that it hungers,
feed it.
If it tells you that it is dirty,
clean it.
If it cries to you that it hurts,
if you can,
ease its pain.

From the back garden you will be able to see the wild wood.
The deep well you walk past leads to winter’s realm;
there is another land at the bottom of it.
If you turn around here,
you can walk back safely;
you will lose no face. I will think no less of you.

Once through the garden you will be in the wood.
The trees are old. Eyes peer from the undergrowth.
Beneath a twisted oak sits an old woman. She may ask for something;
give it to her. She
will point the way to the castle.
Inside it are three princesses.
Do not trust the youngest. Walk on.
In the clearing beyond the caste the twelve months sit about a fire,
warming their feet, exchanging tales.
They may do favors for you, if you are polite.
You may pick strawberries in December’s frost.
Trust the wolves, but do not tell them where you are going.
The river can be crossed by the ferry. The ferry-man will take you.
(The answer to his question is this:
If he hands the oar to his passenger, he will be free to leave the boat.
Only tell him this from a safe distance.)

If an eagle gives you a feather, keep it safe.
Remember: that giants sleep too soundly; that
witches are often betrayed by their appetites;
dragons have one soft spot, somewhere, always;
hearts can be well-hidden,
and you betray them with your tongue.

Do not be jealous of your sister.
Know that diamonds and roses
are as uncomfortable when they tumble from one’s lips as toads and frogs:
colder, too, and sharper, and they cut.

Remember your name.
Do not lose hope—what you seek will be found.
Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn.
Trust dreams.
Trust your heart, and trust your story.
When you come back, return the way you came.
Favors will be returned, debts be repaid.
Do not forget your manners.
Do not look back.
Ride the wise eagle (you shall not fall)
Ride the silver fish (you will not drown)
Ride the gray wolf (hold tightly to his fur).

There is a worm at the heart of the tower; that is why it will not stand.

When you reach the little house, the place your journey started,
you will recognize it, although it will seem much smaller than you remember.
Walk up the path, and through the garden gate you never saw but once.
And then go home. Or make a home.

Or rest.

Monday Giggles: if all of your friends jumped off a bridge

 link to the original on the xkcd website
the rollover text is: "and it says a lot about you that when your friends jump off a bridge en masse, your first thought is apparently 'my friends are foolish and I won't be like them' not 'are my friends okay?'" 

This week has been a crazy few weeks of activity: (can you say "how to cope with uncertainty stress?")

Monday Feb. 25: 

epic snow hike up Sunset Ridge, sled down!

Tuesday Feb 26: 

6 mile run, 

rock climbing gym 

Wednesday Feb 27: 

6 mile run at dusk by myself in the slushy snow (so lovely)

Thursday Feb 28: 

7 mile temp run, 

rock climbing gym - edging up the learning curve!

Friday March 1 : 

5 mile walk (rest? day)

Saturday March 2: 

epic snow hike up Sunset Ridge with my sister and buddies, 

80s dance party until way too late (okay, so 1am just feels really late these days)

Sunday March 3: 

10 mile run,

rock climbing gym - still improving 

(but my arms definitely could tell that I haven't been in days)

Monday March 4: 

early morning wake up for a snow-shoe up Teardrop, 

4 mile run

Tuesday March 5: 

skiing all day (so much snow predicted!)

at some point soon I'll probably need to rest.

but hopefully this will be really helpful with getting ready for the Himalayas!

White Out

Two amazing things happened this Friday: one, I finished my medical school requirements. 

Not for the rotation, not for the year, but COMPLETELY.  done. with. medical. school. requirements.

Second (and actually, equally as exciting) my sister came up to visit!

I wanted to show her a truly Vermont winter experience, so we went for a hike!  Now is probably a good time to tell you that the manfriend and I have just solidified all of our plans for a >20 day hike in Nepal.  

Yes, friends, we are going adventuring!  

And this time, it's not for away rotations or interviews, just us and some very, very large mountains.

In preparation - besides getting about a million administrative things done (plane tickets - check!  travel clinic with vaccines - check! learn what gaiters are - check!  order gaiters online - check! etc.) 

- is HIKE! a lot! in the winter!  and rock climb (even though we won't be doing any of this officially on our trip, it feels in the spirit of the trekking in large mountains, plus it's super fun)

photo source
by this amazing blog by a couple who did a very similar, if not the same, trek as we are!


I definitely feel like part of the fun of this trip has been in the planning and anticipation for it.

And a big part of that has been our "training" hikes.

(which we may have done anyways, but feel even more fun because we're training)  

***

Our hike was a lot more snowy and at a much (much, much, much!) lower altitude.

but it still felt pretty intense.

Chris took this photo, but if we include him, this was our trekking crew!

note Steve, the best dog ever

as well as how warm and colorful and energetic we look

(warning: some of these things do change as the hike goes on)

K and I in front of what could be rolling vermont hills

or just a white wall

couldn't see, didn't really matter

G and I in the snow - I'm so lucky to have the best sister in the whole wide world!

G gets fierce on the rock face as we reach towards the peak.

(and I zip up all my layers)

and yes, I used poles. for the first time ever.

no, not because I'm aging and my knees hurt more than they used to

(although those things may or may not be true)

but because they recommend them on our trek and I wanted to see if I liked them

the upshot: not really

G, C and I climbing in seriously deep snow up to the face

there are trees behind us

no, really.

you just can't tell because it's a WHITE OUT

and everything is all fluffy snow and WIND.

but we made it to the ridge!

and to our peak!

(not so warm and energetic now - but very, very happy)

as evidenced by the manfriend 

who sits proudly in the snow before we begin our 3 mile slide down :)

we ended the day with a Mardi Gras/80s themed dance party with a whole bunch of medical school friends that I haven't seen in ages.  it's so thrilling to have everyone back in one place and off of crazy schedules for a brief moment in time.  

sister visits, snowy treks, and 80s dance parties - 

can you think of a better way to spend a Saturday?

PS: stay tuned for more details about our trip to Nepal!

~~~~~~

"The mountains are calling - and I must go"

-John Muir

(one of my heroes, as you can see from my blog description above)